Category: absurd

Image Odyssey: Awful Jesus Tattoos

January 6th, 2012

I try to be an informed, responsible citizen and pay attention to the news. However, while browsing for important content that is somehow relevant to the state of the human condition, I came across something that The Internets deem quite newsworthy: Justin Bieber’s new Jesus tattoo.

So I figured there must be tons of awful Jesus tattoos out there. My search did not disappoint.

People of all religions or lack thereof…let us unite in our common faith in human beings…to make bad decisions.

Is this Jesus, Will Ferrell, or some kind of hybrid Ferrell Christ?

I don’t know what to say about this, other than “that’s a shame for everyone involved:”

Hm. Okay.

It looks like Jesus wears his sunglasses at night…

Just put the eyes *somewhere* on the face. Anywhere will do.

Easy, breezy, beautiful Cover Christ (Jesus is wearing Cover Girl smudge proof mascara, in “Film Noir”):

I’m speechless…I’m…sorry…I’m…uncomfortable and confused.

Poor Jesus looks so disgusted to be on this man’s head that he’s downright ill. I don’t blame him.

Same here:

Ready for a different twist? Jesus WITH a tattoo! Don’t like it? Tell it to his acid wash jeans!

Sadly, this post will probably get more hits (and disappointed viewers) than anything I’ve posted in years because it contains the words “Justin Bieber.”
100 Year Old Cake

December 30th, 2011

Here’s an oddity that’s right up my alley. A Christmas spice cake baked in 1911 was found in an abandoned closet, and now resides in Golden Valley, MN, with its current owner Pierre Girard.

The cake carried an inscription on the bottom that said “Xmas Cake Baked in Year 1911 by my Mother’s Brother Alex died December 27. Was operated on Xmas Day.”

Though petrified, the cake still carries the mild scent of cinnamon and spices.

It filled me with joy to learn that Pierre recently threw a party FOR the cake, rather than having cake at a party. Excellent move!

Source
Holiday Desktop Goodies Part 2

December 23rd, 2011

Behold, the Castle Grayskull igloo!

Source

I vaguely remember this special…

Aww…look at this little gentleman from Handmade Stuffs:

A little metallic minimalism:

And for those who don’t want minimalism, a giant ball of Christmas pudding:

Absolutely no comment here. This blog is a family establishment.

Hey…Santa isn’t supposed to be a rugged lumber jack! If this version of our beloved St. Nicholas showed up at my house, I’d give him yard work to do.

If Santa were a Shih Tzu:

And this one appears to have had a run-in with some pepper spray.

He sees you when you’re sleeping…

Now for some beautiful sweets, a gingerbread typewriter:

If anyone has either of these musical gems, please share!

On the other hand, please do NOT send me this album. Oh Scott Weiland…why? I gave STP quite a few spins in my adolescence, but Weiland’s crooning on this album makes me sad, uncomfortable, and a bit embarrassed for him. Go ahead and listen to some samples if you want to see why this is what the bad children should get for Christmas.

Speaking of sad, it looks like this Santa was just released from the burn unit:

One of a series of Christmas illustrations by Graham Wilson (he does some great Christmas/Halloween mashups too).

Proportion? Never heard of it. Santa is magical. He can do what he wants.

A decoration for the Trekkies!

Kitteh refuses to be your holiday prop (I love the hand on the left, presumably going to help…a little too late).

This X-ray tree by Nick Veasey (whom I could have sworn I posted about before, but is not turning up in my searches) would make a wonderful holiday card.

Or if you prefer a glow in the dark variety:

We’ll finish with this amazing Harold Lloyd Christmas tree, recently posted by my friends at Unusual Life.
Christmas Desktop Goodies

December 20th, 2011

My desktop is especially cluttered with treats right now, but I’ll choose a few to share…

I have a massive collection of vintage Krampus greetings, but this one (shared by my friend Kevin) was new to me this year. It is perhaps one of the most ominous holiday greetings in existence.

I suppose there’s also this:

Well, I guess THIS could happen too.

Santa, eat some cookies. This doesn’t look…natural.

Santa’s true anatomy is clearly documented here:

And here:

Hot.

Much jolly-ness…

“Have a Living Christmas Tree Ornament in the House.” Yes folks, remember that pets are nothing more than objects to adorn for your own amusement (I’ve had a few retrospectively comedic instances of people not picking up on my sarcasm, but anyone who has followed this blog knows I adore and respect pets more than most humans).

In the mid 20th century it was proper etiquette to smile during imminent danger.

Okay kids, on the count of three, smile and say FIERY HORROR!

Speaking of…

Ice cream on a tree? I like the way you think.

For some reason I really enjoy this old catalog page, despite not actually liking most of the candy in it (people choose hard candies when chocolate exists?). Points for aesthetics though.

Now for an EEEEEEVIL twist:

And from my Sinister Gift Guide:

Sorry abomindable snowman…I find you kind of adorable.
Christmas With Colonel Sanders

December 19th, 2011

I’ve had the artwork from Christmas With Colonel Sanders saved for a few years now. I was quite surprised that I hadn’t posted it before.

Yes…this exists.

And now a message from the Colonel himself, straight from his heart to yours (click to enlarge photo):

I may have to make a separate post just for creepy Colonel sculptures and automatons, but here’s one to get you in the holiday spirit:

As a special treat I uploaded Christmas Day With Colonel Sanders here! Enjoy these extra crispy tunes.

…I never did get my hands on one of those awesomely absurd KFC Buckets for Breast Cancer.
Desktop Goodies 12/13

December 13th, 2011

Soon I will post some holiday goodies, but let’s see what non-celebratory things we have lurking on the desktop today…

To whet your appetite, we’ll begin with this stunning scene (about which I will refrain from commenting):

And for dessert: VITAMIN DONUTS. I believe this was once an actual product.

You can wash those donuts down with a glass of Pilk. It’s deloinkful. (This comes from the parody program “Look Around You”…which is wonderful)

And while we’re on the topic of programs (I wonder if I’ll have to deal with this in my practice someday)…

Does anyone know where this comes from? I can’t place it.

Ooh…getting ideas for future projects from this 17th century secret poison case…

Perhaps I should procure some Pink Pills for Pale People.

Kind of wish I were made of cogs, gears and wires…

Someone’s documented my party habits (except I probably wouldn’t even be drunk):

This post brought to you by Mr. Mandrake Root (wish I could remember where I got this from):
Largest Commercially Available Pizza

November 17th, 2011

If there’s one thing I like more than a favorite food, it’s a GIANT version of a favorite food. Here we have the largest commercially available pizza, recently featured on That’s Nerdalicious.

It measures 4′ X 6′ and feeds 100 people for $199. Mama and Papa’s Pizzeria can deliver to your home with 24 hours notice. I really wish I could get this in NY…it would be front and center at my next party.

Then I’d stuff myself and take a nap in the box.
Desktop Goodies

November 6th, 2011

Holy Meatscape! Be still, my cholesterol-laden heart!

Ground control to Major Squirrel…

This is how to get me to follow you anywhere…trail of candy jars.

Ah, art imitating life. These two are positively inseparable in the wild.

Mmmmm…I bet she never slept better.

Take note, gentlemen…getting her in a headlock with a seemingly imminent neck snap MAY spoil the mood. Ladies, take note…limp and lifeless is the proper amorous stance:

I’m not sure if this ad is cute, romantic, obscene, awkward…or all/none of the above.

Now THIS is a hot dog display! Look out, Xmas dinner table of mine…wiener tree is happening!

Which one of these cake wrecks would be the best complement to the wiener tree? Deadpan shock?

…or horrified zombie Santa from Hell?

Speaking of cakes, look at THIS (care of My Ghoul Friday):

I’m sorry, but this is seriously NOT how to become one with Jesus.

I’m used to the term “deluxe” meaning that my sandwich will come with fries on the side…not a severed human head with glass eyes.

Never underestimate what nature does when you’re not looking. I leave you with a philosophical question: if a tree eats a fence in the forest and no one is around to see it…does the fence still get digested in a fibrous mass of sappy, fibrous tree guts?
Happy Halloween!

October 31st, 2011

This is always a bittersweet day to post, since I know there are about a thousand more things I’d like to add…and even more that will turn up over the next day or two.

YES! On not only do we have this treat from the National Banana Association…but now we’ve got the WEENIE WITCH flying into town!

This sad ghost (found here) is a wonderful sad ghost…as far as sad ghosts go.

I was linked to this sombre EP by Forest Mountain Hymnal. Soft, gloomy atmosphere (really, how many times can you hear “Monster Mash” this time of year?). Pause that party mix and give THIS a try.

And for educational purposes we have this richly detailed Movie Monster chart (click here for the full version):

Yes, I always thought Frankenstein’s monster’s only real trouble was his hair.

I know it’s only “street art,” but I kind of want to crawl inside…

I actually found some new additions to my vintage Halloween ad collection in this post. Cigarettes!

I’ve got to hand it to Heidi Klum for not only being really into Halloween, but opting to show some muscle instead of skin:

(Source)

Let these busts from the Haunted Mansion sing you off into a lovely evening.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Halloween Countdown: Odds and Ends Megapost

October 30th, 2011

I’m sure many of you have already seen the zombie pumpkin spawn, but it’s truly amazing:

Perhaps I should start a “romance” tag for all the things I find endearing that would probably thoroughly put off most women (like Zombie Bon Bons):

This D.W. Frydendall Halloween Icon Portrait Show at Hyaena Gallery features one of my all time favorites…Hatbox Ghost (featured here and here)!

Check out my friend K.O.’s wonderful blog The Skeleton Key for Halloween goodies (great photos of her personal excursions and decor!).

Not Halloween related exactly, but monstrous…observe a hamster with a unique hoarding habit by CLICKING HERE.

And speaking of creatures, one of my favorite nature blogs, Real Monstrosities has a Halloween collection of natural spooky critters.

How about a wonderful collection of death (and life) masks?:

For the Hello Kitty fans out there, enjoy this little feline in the guise of your favorite monsters here:

A ridiculously cute spooky Russian doll garland, downloadable here.

Ugh…I guess at least this is preparing her for her teen years and adulthood when the only pre-made costume choices she’ll have will be slutty cop, slutty bumblebee, slutty nurse, slutty witch, slutty fairy…

More later or tomorrow!