To alleviate the awkwardness Valentine’s Day brings about for many of us, I offer a series of couples who are almost guaranteed to be more awkward than you are.
Easy, tiger.
I can’t see anything in front of me except the afterimage of plaid, which is now burned into my retinas.
This picture has everything: attitude, questionable posing, mixed animal prints, and a killer devotional subtitle.
I know you’re probably tired of seeing all the parakeet bayonet photos online…but just in case…
Listen, what you do with phallic fruit behind closed doors is your business, but nobody needs to see this.
Is that a DRAGON in her hair?
Awkward? Maybe. But I’d get a portrait like this is a heartbeat.
We’re closing in on the day of the year that Hallmark has determined we should love each other. There are lots of standard hearts and flowers circulating the Interwebs right now, but here’s a tune for those of us whose tastes are a little…off center. This one is for my fellow geeks! Celebrate your geek love.
Lyrics: Nobody’s cool as we, nor quite as esoterically far out.
We’re so far out it’s creepy!
I don’t think they’ll ever get the groovy standards that we set for love,
but they’re not smart like we be.
They have no roses.
Subconsciously they envy us a lot.
They look down their noses and see a couple of dorks with more love than they have got!
When they see us holding hands, they wish that they were geeks in love.
And when they hear our favorite bands, they wish that they were geeks in love.
We rattle off our in-jokes while they wish that they were geeks in love.
And while we make each other smile, they wish that they were geeks in…
La la la,
la la la,
la-lubbidy da-diddy love.
La la la,
la la la,
ka-boominy whoah-nelly love.
La la la,
la la la,
ga-shibbidy-waffles-and-love.
La la la,
la la la, la love.
As far as I can tell, while other lovers go through hell,
we’ll know we’re too cool for damnation.
We may not be cutting edge, but we won’t take the mainstream pledge,
for we don’t need your admiration!
They may not show it, it doesn’t fit their made-up little roles.
They don’t even know it, but jealousy abounds within their souls.
When they see us on the street, they wish that they were geeks in love.
And when they hear us trick-or-treat, they wish that they were geeks in love.
As we lock arms and skip away, they wish that they were geeks in love.
And you can almost hear them say they wish that they were geeks in…
La la la,
la la la,
la-lubbidy-do-diddy-love.
La la la,
la la la,
fa-doobidy-ding-dong-love.
La la la,
la la la,
za-muppety-puppety-love.
La la la,
la la la,
sha-peppity-bismol-love.
La la la,
la la la,
a-bubbly-lava-lamp-love.
La la la,
la la la,
ma-spockity-nimoy-love.
La la la,
la la la,
da-ponkity-ponkity-love.
La la la,
la la la,
geekity-geekity-geeks in love.
You’re being welcomed into this post by anthropomorphic hotdog with breasts.
As far as I can tell, this is a real vintage ad. Probably one of the most jaw-dropping examples I’ve seen.
Imagine this is what you’re really standing on.
I prefer my tables without testicles.
Don’t miss the other title by this author on the bottom.
For “elegant women of refinement and taste.”
Just your average note-wielding mouse on a lobster.
I’m not sure what’s going on here. Is this a medical assistance device? Unless it’s equipped with some sort of pulley mechanism to lift bodies in need, I see very little purpose for lying on something LESS comfortable, a few inches above something designed for lying on.
And now, in today’s installment of unappealing instructional material…Meet the man who can tell you how to lick pimples.
I woke to this video in my gmail this morning. Brilliance. It’s got a kid with three front teeth, a giant spider, and a bearded patriarch in an unflattering undergarment whose nose (and at times, nipples) move independently of his body. Despite that description, it’s not as NSFW as it sounds. I think.
I now must resist the temptation to counter all “What if” arguments with “What if the world was made of pudding?”
Since today is “Superbowl Day” (as I call it), I feel it’s appropriate to showcase this genius T-shirt. This is what I hear in my head, and have probably blurted out loud a few times, when fans are watching in my presence:
Don’t get me wrong. I can be entertained by athletic events; I even know all the rules of tennis and most of hockey. But I believe I will fully comprehend the world’s collected works on theoretical physics before I “get” football.
Do you get football? I’m impressed.
A close second favorite in Woot’s athletic section: Always Picked Last (there should be an ALWAYS PICKED FIRST (in spelling bees) shirt).
“He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good, or he’ll crush your car with his gargantuan hands as you drive.”
I’m not usually into tinsel, but this is absolutely stunning. It looks like real shimmering icicles.
Ah, that is the question:
Walking in a Winter Wonder Lard.
And now for some nifty Christmas art.
That ornament is about to be pawed to the floor and shattered.
Yikes.
Vincent price goes tree shopping!
Gingerbread Enterprise! (Dedicated to my dad and our many nights watching Star Trek TNG when I was a kid)
I think a series of all of the Haunted Mansion Grim Grinning Ghosts would make an excellent ornament collection.
This image is just perfect: happy tan lady with happy man, angry pale lady, pale lady’s partner not-so-inconspicuously eying her sunkissed rival. Don’tyou want a sun lamp now?
Amazing relationship advice from the folks at Dormeyer: use tears to manipulate your husband into purchasing household items. Maybe if I fake a sense of victimhood I can score a toaster this Christmas.
A man who knows what he wants (even the big Kewpie is looking at him like “Seriously, dude?”):
Holy hell…
How to traumatize birds:
And by “Merry” I mean “there are bodies in the basement:”
This drenched, freezing Yeti standing in a flood may be the most depressing card ever.
The pudding has broken out in fluid filled pustules.
And now for the piece de resitance (don’t gloss over this one. Take in every detail):
My friend Liz shared an amazing shred of satire with me the other day; an article that highlights (with excellent commentary) some of the more useless and/or ludicrous items in the Williams Sonoma catalog this holiday season.
SheWalksSoftly 