I’m starting a new feature on this blog entitled “I Don’t Get Fashion.” Due to my health, it has been two years since I’ve seen the outside world or been to a clothing store. But sometimes I glimpse a trend online, or through some sort of media, and emerge from the vision utterly baffled…like I’m looking at prototypes of an alien invention.

Disclaimer: I’m not trying to hate on anyone or anything. These fashion comments are coming from a former(ish) goth. Let’s not take ourselves too seriously, okay?

Anyway, Fashion, I know you must continue blasting out ever-new trends for eager consumers. But sometimes I still don’t get you.

First case in point: Drop Crotch Slim Harem Pants.

If one needs that “billowy upper leg (only)” feeling, or room for an industrial sized diaper, I guess one has come to the right place. Why not cover those pesky calves snuggly and allow plenty of open thigh chafing space?

You may be asking “what is the perfect body type to pull off this style?” And the answer is none. I’ll save us all the magazine article commentary and cut straight to the truth: no body type can “rock” this. Or even climb the ladder into “mildly passable.”

I can’t help but think each pair is a gruesome tailoring mistake for which any customer would instantly demand a refund (and maybe sue for damages).

I am asking, un-ironically, for anyone to speak out in support of this trend. If you love ’em, let me hear the baggy-crotch backlash! Or feel free to ponder their existence out loud.