Some of you may never forgive me for this image, but I take my responsibility as a purveyor of oddities seriously. My faithful reader OhTheHumanity (who will get a feature post soon) sent this over.
This item is fundamentally wrong on so many levels, it nearly caused my brain to short circuit.
Would anyone in the universe purchase this for a child? Would that child ever recover? Was it in fact manufactured by sadistic psychotherapists to ensure a pressing need for their services?
Note: if your baby is afflicted with this particularly disturbing pattern of hirsutism, please enlist the help of a doctor immediately.
I know nothing about the game Spore, except for the fact that my friend Lee used it to create a hideous amalgam of Ron’s worst fears: sea creatures and human feet. No matter what your feelings are on these topics, I can’t imagine anyone not enjoying this little clip:
EUREKA! I’m am bubbling with delight. Until now, it seemed like Christian religions had a monopoly on holiday kitsch. In my experience, tacky, ludicrous Hanukkah objects are much harder to find.
Imagine my joy when I stumbled upon the MOOSENORAH:
I can’t believe I almost didn’t include the legendary EVIL SANTA that’s been a part of my Christmases since I was a toddler (yes, I grew up with this thing…probably explains a lot).
Under a bit of stuffing there is prominent wiring, so Santa can be posed in a variety of terrifying ways. The most evil thing about him, which never fails to horrify my guests, is that his eyes seem to follow you around anywhere you move.
My parents used to put gifts in his sack each year. Having to extract this bounty from the arms of Evil Santa for probably accounts for my utter fearlessness as an adult.
The following “Unborn Soldier” ornament is a big ball of wrong.
Is it an anti-abortion statement? Does it mean to imply that your unborn fetus could be the savior of the free world one day? I’m rendered nearly speechless by this tacky display of conservative values (which is most likely the intention of the product).
I’ll finish off the week with some features from our own Holiday Abomination Party, held in Norristown, PA.
The tree was indeed unique, topped with the household deity of choice: The Flying Spaghetti Monster (handmade by Matt).
When you squeeze the chicken, a watery sack filled with an egg emerges from it’s nethers.
We called this “Pain Killer Penguin” since it glows a pulsating red like the human diagrams in nearly every medication commercial:
Tudurcken ornament ACTION SHOT!
I was blessed by a visit from the Ornament Fairy (a.k.a Steph) as I slept, and awoke to find myself (the none-too-happy face anyway) photoshopped into a Patrick Swayze embrace!
Of course, this is a reference to the famous MST3K Patrick Swayze Christmas Song (definitely worth seeing, if you haven’t).
We “opened up our hearts and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in”…we wish him good health this season.
Now come along with me on our Turducken cooking journey…beginning here, with this sexy thing:
Looking like this somewhere in the middle…
See the process, start to finish, in these nicely chronicled PHOTOS.
The undisputed “star” of the party was internet sensation Chris Dane Owens. This video most certainly counts as a holiday abomination (actually, it’s an abomination for all seasons).
Printer was running out of ink, which adds to the lowbrow quality…
But this is America, and someone always has to push the limits of decadence and dominance. Hence, the Turgooduccochiqua; a heinous amalgam of quail, cornish game hen, duck, chicken, turkey and goose…with bacon between the layers, because it simply wasn’t enough to humiliate multiple fowl without bringing pork into the mix.
Yes, man owns the food chain. This is like some kind of mid-life crisis meal.
In my opinion, anyone attempting to recreate the Turgooduccochiqua (or, heaven forbid, outdo it with even more meat) should listen to the wise words of “The Gambler:” You got to know when to hold ’em…know when to fold ’em.
This lyrical principle certainly applies to stuffing animals inside each other.
CNN called it a possible hoax, but I have little doubt that someone would attempt this creation, given the current popularity of food abominations.
I’m not sure how many people will stop by SheWalksSoftly today due to the holiday, but I’d like to give you some festive selections from Cake Wrecks to celebrate.
And now for the shameless recycling of Valentine’s Day containers…
I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!
This post is dedicated to David E. in honor of his birthday. May you not have to endure a cake like any of the above!
I don’t mean to overdose on ceramics after the last post, but I couldn’t resist sharing this fantastic monstrosity just in time for Thanksgiving: turkey head salt and pepper shakers!
Guy Michael Davis crafts his molds from freshly dead specimens or freeze dried taxidermy (which explains the disconcerting realism).
Couched between pennysaver deals on gutter cleaning and spa treatments, I came across a baffling full page ad for THE SEXY SALAD.
Click on the website and you’ll find an animated bowl of greens, giving a provocative “come hither” stare and periodic smooches to the tune of cheesy synthesized stripper music.
I was thoroughly entertained by the arbitrary nature of the Sexy Salad concept, since one rarely ponders the erotic attributes of lettuce (and this is coming from someone who sites the opening credits of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory as her favorite sex scene).
Overall, the place seems worth the 30 minute drive for me, if only to say I’ve eaten there:
SheWalksSoftly 